All night I could not sleep
Because of the moonlight on my bed.
I kept on hearing a voice calling:
Out of Nowhere, Nothing answered “yes.”
-Zi Ye, 6th-3rd B.C.E., tr. By Arthur Waley
Happiness is high priority for me, and not just any happiness: my happiness is Caribbean blue; it’s got white teeth in a big smile that promises adventure. I want Flush Grace, Effervescent Communion and I want it if not every moment, then as many moments as I can possibly fit it in. I want to look at my life with an exuberant yes. Yes, I created this consciously. YES! I love living. YES!!! I can’t wait to see what comes next. YES!!! I don’t worry about it all going wrong because I have created support around my visions. When you are living in exuberant yes every aspect of your life is aligned with your truth. It doesn’t mean you meditate an hour every day, or your room is perfectly aligned with the energy (unless that is authentically who you are), rather it’s the result of having the courage to face your demons, your monsters, and your internalized family members and either tame them, contain them, or dump them.
That said my own journey towards that “yes” is clumsy at best. I thought, as I think most of us do when we’re just starting out, that the hardest part would be that first step: quitting a job and doing music. I thought I would be discovered, I would win awards almost instantly, and I would take off going straight up and would never have to deal with any of my limiting beliefs after that one major decision. The fact of the matter is, however, that I love gold stars and quite frankly I wanted to get them forever. I wanted to rise through the ranks. I wanted to get the awards. I wanted people to confirm that I was talented and intelligent because without their confirmation it just didn’t seem real. Quitting a job is easy, but letting go of deeply ingrained beliefs about success? Not so much.
The full moon is an invitation. It’s a celebration of all that brought you here and an opportunity to call up your internal warrior and descend into the Murk (as I like to call the subconscious) to face whatever blocks you’re stuck with.
There is an exercise at the beginning of Danielle Laport’s The Desire Map in which she encourages making a specified gratitude list in juxtaposition to making a list of the things that aren’t working. There is something about looking closely and honestly about what you genuinely feel good about in your life in contrast to what isn’t working that illuminates a road map towards your real self. Sometimes the two lists are even related. For example, you can be grateful for your lovers support and playfulness, but you’re cleaning up after them all the time and that doesn’t work for you, or you’re grateful for being able to comfortably pay all your bills thanks to your job, but you’re under-appreciated by your boss.
Knowing what isn’t working is a perfect launching spot for internal adventuring, especially when you notice a pattern. If the same issues crop up time and time again even when you leave circumstances that you thought were the root of the issue, it’s time to do some internal exploration. I’ll go into some more on that next blog post, but for now get out your journal and give this easy list exercise a try.
What is cause for celebration this full moon? What are you ready to stop doing and why? What can you do easily right away to stop doing this? Are there patterns that you’re ready to address and change? Where do you think those patterns came from?
Until next time feral folks,