By the Light of the Fiery Skull
“For most women, to let die is not against their natures, it is only against their training.
This can be reversed. We all know in los ovarios when it is time for life, when it is time for death.
We might try to fool ourselves for various reasons, but we know.
By the light of the fiery skull, we know. “
-Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With The Wolves
The above quote happens after Dr. E's retelling and analysis of Vasalisia the Wise, in regards to Baba Yaga's fire-y eyed skull burning up Vasalisa's evil step-mother and step-sisters. It got me thinking about what I'm ready to let die this New Moon so that I can make room for more good stuff.
Wouldn't it be great if we could exfoliate the subconscious? I know I have all sorts of old stories about myself and the world that I would LOVE to just slough off. No more secretly believing that I need someone else to do things for me because I am too {spacey, stupid, emotional, incapable...pick one} I know you know what I'm talking about, those little voices in your head that come from some point in your past and tell you, LOUDLY, what you can and can't do.
I've been thinking about old stories a lot this last moon cycle, and as usual I'm specifically frustrated about my stories around money. I just don't feel legitimate no matter how much work I do, how brilliant my marketing plan, how awesome my songs. I still feel like it's not a career. The closer my 30th birthday looms, the more anxious and angry and bitter I get, and it's all because of this time I tried to sell candy bars for a school fundraiser.
If you're school didn't have to sell candy in order to get new books, consider yourself lucky. It was a competition, and there were really awesome prizes depending on how much candy you sold and being the ambitious and financially strapped girl that I was I WANTED those prizes. I had a vision. I would go to door to door in my neighbor hood. My parents had a whole congregation of people and I could sell my candy bars there. It was going to be awesome...but the reality was I only sold one candy bar. My parents didn't want me selling at church, we didn't go door to door, we didn't have the kind of support group the kids that did well had. I felt so stupid. I still feel stupid thinking back to that day. I became consciously apathetic about money. It wasn't something I had, it wasn't something I was going to have, I might as well not care about it.
To this day my beliefs around money still revolve around a failed fifth grade fundraiser . It's like Ground Hogs day, I keep getting stuck in situations that seem to prove that money is hard to get, that I'm just not one of the people that gets it, that I am incapable and unworthy. Every time there is a life changing opportunity that would let me do something I love AND get out of my money hole it falls through, even when all signs pointed to it being a sure thing. Even when I was already hired. On some level I'm still committed to a reality in which I have to fight for any kind of income and it will just be taken away from me for no good reason if I start to enjoy myself. It's time for that damn story to die already!
It's the New Moon this Wednesday, the perfect time for me to let this old story die. I'm going to hold a funeral for it. I'm going to do a ritual and urge it to pass on. I'm going to put a rubber band around my freaking wrist and snap it every time I start telling myself this dumb story. I'm going to purge it through journal out of my system. It's time for this to die.
What beliefs do you notice you still carry around about yourself and the world that aren't doing you any good? Can you trace them back to where they started? Are you ready to let them die, or do you worry that they might be correct?
If you do a ritual, let me know what you did and if it worked!
<3 Abi
If you're having a hard time coming up with ideas, you can always join me for my New Moon show on Concert Window this Thursday, free online at https://www.concertwindow.com/9285-abi-grace