When I’m feeling freaked out by life and all of its insecurities, I have a secret weapon that resets my inner monolog: Witchy Smut. (Paranormal Romance if you prefer).
My favorite authors have mastered the creation of indomitable characters who juggle demon slaying and rent paying with wry wit and unshakable courage. They get knocked down, beaten up, suffer defeats, feel the pain and just keep trying. Whatever I’m facing in “the real world”, I’m able to reframe it as part of my adventure. After all, conflict is part of every great story and I’m the kind of girl that isn’t satisfied unless that’s what I’m living.
Right now, I have a lot of freedom to restart my life for the first time in years and it is simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying (and sad, but I’ll go into that more in another post). I’m not tied to any location, or job, or person. I know who I am and what I want in a way I haven’t in the past, and I have a good idea of the kind of life that would make me most happy with plenty of space to make that a reality. I also need to find a place for Smokey the Cat and I to live (can’t couch surf forever) and in order to do that I need to once and for all master the monster that has been beating me up for years: Money.
About five years ago, Money completely KO’d me. I had to move out of a place in disgrace unable to pay any bills or feed myself, convinced that I was a terrible person and deserved to be hated by everyone. To say that I am terrified of that happening again is an understatement. I think that’s why I avoided this re-match for as long as I could. I have personal experience with things not working out. I hear stories of artists unable to make ends meet more often than I hear of success stories. It feels preposterously cocky to even set myself down this path again at 30 years old.
My favorite heroes always grow from their mistakes and then they try again, over and over, until their monsters are slayed, their rent paid, and their love interests laid. Maybe fantasy always works out smoother and faster than reality, but there is a magic to resilience. It communicates to the world "even as unprepared and vulnerable as I am, I believe that there is a different way to experience my life and I will sacrifice my immediate comfort to get there. The trick is, you have to genuinely be willing to let go of all the assurances and safety that you know. You've got to trust that you will be transformed and not consumed.
Here I am again, on the verge of a break through or a breakdown. It’s not repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different outcome (like my judgmental ego voices keep saying) because I’ve learned from the last time I was here. This is the pivotal cross roads between laying the foundation for the life that best suits me or tumbling along allowing myself to be shaped by the world. Whatever comes next, I choose sovereignty.