Asking and Gratitude
I've got that independent streak that usually comes with being an only child for most of childhood. On top of that, I grew up in those kind of poor communities in which a lemonade stand would be bad form, much less trying to sell candy door to door for school fundraisers. Asking for anything, especially if it was money related, was considered rude, so I learned to accept what I was given, to leave well enough alone, and to "make peace with my lot in life"
I don't like asking for help. I don't like feeling beholden to people. I don't want anyone to think that I am a burden. As much as all of these things press on me, I am also an artist, and being an artist is a terrible vulnerable and dependent position to be in. It means learning to live with a lot of things out side of my control....like next week's trip to Chicago.
I almost canceled it today, actually. If I could get a refund for the plane ticket it would all be off. I would be sticking around Seattle picking up as much work as I possibly could and looking for a new place to live (Jeff and I and the rest of our room mates were given the 30 days notice to vacate yesterday) My attempt to play it safe wasn't to be, though. It's Chicago or bust, now. I'll just have to see how my cards end up playing out.
Still, I've been amazed at how many of you have tried to help me out. How many have asked your friends to host me, and how many of them have in turn asked around. I'm amazed and grateful that so many of genuinely and enthusiastically have risen to the occasion, have re-posted my status, or have written one up of their own. I'm terrified about the future and simultaneously I feel so sure that all of this is just turbulence, and that it will pass. What is real is the incredible community that YOU are. I just want you to know how precious you all are to me. How, when I'm feeling stuck and depressed and angry I can think about times like these and it helps.
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for helping, thank you for trying, thank you for perfect and imperfect community, thank you just for showing up, thank you for listening. Your presence is noted and seen and meaningful.